The Necessity of Messiness

Where are all my fellow recovering perfectionists at?? This one is for us today! Some of my words might make your skin crawl a little, but I believe in us and our ability to overcome. Friends, I am so determined to break out of this destructive paradigm that I find myself running head-first to ideas and attitudes that the old me would’ve run from as fast as her legs could carry her. Not today though. There’s no better time than the present to ditch my old ways of thinking, so here goes.

Mess. Mistakes. Failure. 

In all fairness, few people enjoy experiencing these things, whether you’re the one who messed up or you’re on the receiving end of someone else’s mess. It’s hard to feel like a screw-up or like you’ve let yourself down or let down those you love. Shame, disappointment, frustration, helplessness …these are all miserable emotions to deal with. Add to that the possibility, or reality, of rejection as a result of your mistakes and failure avoidance (aka perfectionism) becomes a driving force for so many of us. 

For years I took failure avoidance to a ridiculous level. I rarely risked trying new things or things I thought I wouldn’t be good at. I kept my own struggles and mistakes between me, my journal, and Jesus. And, I practiced daily declarations like: “I am not a person who has to learn things the hard way. I can make right decisions by observing and learning from the mistakes of others.” I loved the idea that I could somehow avoid mess-making or failure in my own growth process by simply watching others and avoiding their mistakes. I still believe there is value in mirroring the behavior of those I find admirable and looking to the wisdom of others for help in standards of maturity and growth. However, this life-goal I hoped to master—of never learning through personal failure—is completely counter-productive to true growth. It seemed like such a smart play at the time, like an approach to maturity with mindfulness and care. But the truth is, it was simply a manifestation of my perfectionism. 

My approach was shallow, arrogant and overrun with fear and self-protect. I wanted intellectualism to build resilience, wisdom and compassion in my character. But character cannot grow through intellect alone—it NEEDS experience. Aside from the fact that our minds are way too good at self-delusion, the kind of deep understanding that comes from experience is unparalleled and far superior to intellectual ascent. The Greeks have a word for this type of “knowing:” ginosko. Ginosko implies intimate understanding and comprehension, like the kind of awareness and “knowing” that occurs during sexual intercourse. Doesn’t really matter how many times you read about it in a book, you don’t get it until you experience it. 

In addition to the above example, I would bet you could think of all sorts of other things in life that are nearly impossible to understand apart from experience. Childbirth and raising children, paragliding or flying a plane, swimming with sharks … these are just a few that come to my mind. (I don’t care if you watch Discovery’s shark week every year, there’s no way it’s the same as being up close and personal with one in their territory.) 

The reason experience is such an excellent teacher is because it engages our being on all levels—body, soul and spirit—and requires investment and attention that fuels memory-making. In other words, it influences us in ways we remember and react from. It also confronts our inner-world. Again, it is really easy for us to stay in our own ignorance and self-delusions, unless something from outside of ourselves confronts them. 

Experience is very confrontational.

My most recent example of how experience shattered my self-delusion, humbled me, and helped me to grow as a compassionate, understanding person happened just this week…

I consider myself to be a thoughtful, self-aware individual. I spend time in daily quiet meditation and prayer. I’ve worked hard to develop critical thinking skills and take time to think deeply about important things. I also have this view of myself that I am somehow aloof from the mainstream, technology addicted society. I use my phone considerably less than others in my house, I read books, I write daily (with pen and paper), I consistently spend time in quiet and nature, blah, blah, blah. 

Self Delusion: I am enlightened, unplugged and capable of transcending technological dependency. (For all my nerdy lit friends, yes this is totally Henry David Thoreau and the lies of Walden in modern form)

This past Sunday, my phone broke. Not a huge issue, just some buttons not working properly. After researching solutions, we learned that the phone had to be left with Apple for an unknown length of time for repairs. Initially, I didn’t worry too much about it. I had great faith in my ability to navigate life without it. It took all of 2 hours for experience (and it’s buddy reality-check) to smack me upside the head. My normal routine was absolutely crippled without my phone. Everything from recipes to my calendar, exercise, music, banking, email monitoring, not to mention the fun stuff like games or movies or social media.

I depend on my stupid phone ALL DAY LONG!

But I guarantee if you would’ve asked me a week ago, I would have confidently and effortlessly told you, other than communication with my children and husband, I could easily go without my phone. I would’ve been dead wrong, but entirely ignorant of that fact. I needed the experience, and difficulty, of actually going without it to reveal the truth to myself. The humbling self-awareness brought on through the inconvenience of a broken phone is very, very good for me. It forces me to confront my judgment of technology users (why else would I deem myself “above” it if I didn’t judge it) and my perceived lack of dependency on it. This revelation not only helps me give pride the boot, but also to approach the entire subject of technology use with more compassion and empathy. A fact which I’m certain my TikTok-loving husband and children will be very grateful for. 

By all accounts, this example is a relatively harmless one. My arrogant perspective may have grated on my family some, but I don’t think it’s broken any of their hearts or caused trauma. Unfortunately, other mistakes I’ve made have caused damage to relationships, connection and the hearts of people I love. But as much as I have grieved over those mistakes and the hurt I’ve caused, I’ve also seen time and time again how those same mistakes have taught me better ways to love and understand others. The same holds true beyond relationships, into other areas of my life. Failures or mistakes made while working on skill development is crucial to the process. Learning what not to do helps hone expertise and steer you towards achieving goals of quality and mastery.  

In my journey to overcome perfectionism, and face all the fears that fuel it, I am learning that mess  bad.

The opposite in fact.

Messes. Mistakes. Failures. They are all opportunities for learning, understanding and new successes. They can feel really miserable to walk through, but they can also be a doorway for growth as our weakness or ignorance gets exposed.

Obviously, I’ve ditched my effort to only grow through observation and information. It doesn’t work anyway. Messiness is necessary, because experience is an impartial teacher. It’s okay that somethings I have to learn the hard way, because the struggle through it builds resilience and character.

Scripture puts it this way:

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope…

Romans 5:-4

To live a life of strong character and confident hope, that is the true aim. So, I’ll take the messes, mistakes, trials and problems as they come and do my best to learn in the midst of them.