Part two: Affirmation Overcoming the Three P’s

Have you ever walked through a difficult season or set of circumstances in your life and thought to yourself, “Well would you look at that?! I did it. I made it. I’m okay.”? Have you ever given yourself permission to just sit and relish in the satisfaction, relief and joy of overcoming? Too often we look to others, to people and the world around us to give us the atta boy or pat on the back we feel should be natural in these moments. Learning to shift focus, away from outside sources of affirmation, to a self-sustained, self-affirming inner world has been a big part of my learning journey the last couple of years. It began with a simple question I felt prompted by God to ask myself:

“If you were your best friend, who would you be for you and what would you do for yourself?”

Let me back up for a moment and explain that I really—I mean really, really—love to encourage and celebrate people. I’m a sports mom for starters, and we’re VERY practiced at cheering and encouraging those we love on the good AND the bad days. But I also love to help people feel seen and heard: to notice things about them that are valuable and say it to them, out loud. This world is full of critics and messages of “not valuable” or “not good enough.” I want to live out my relationships contradicting those negative messages as often as possible. 

However, I was never very good at talking to myself or treating myself the way I did others. I knew the undercurrent of this question was, “Why aren’t you willing to see yourself the way you see others? Why aren’t you willing to be as kind and encouraging to yourself as you are to those around you?” Part of my problem was that I fell into the trap of believing that because I felt so comfortable and inclined to treat the people around me that way, they would surely return the support right? Makes sense in a mathematical, formulaic kind of way, but not in a “real life” kind of way. Having expectations of others like that is dangerous and almost guarantees disappointment. 

Instead, I understood that God was inviting me into a perspective shift. He was graciously leading me away from looking to others for encouragement and affirmation and towards a place of stability, with healthy boundaries that include caring for myself the way He wants me to. I shared in my last post that self-care or self-love are tricky ideas for me, because I’m not into the version that promotes reckless self-indulgence or any form of self-centered living that creates disconnect or chaos. Rather, for me self-care is about ensuring my heart, mind and body are healthy so that I can better serve and love those around me. 

It also seems important to clarify that I do not, nor do I believe that God advocates for an isolated, disconnected or friendless existence. I’m not suggesting that we don’t need relationships with others. We were made for family and community. We need each other. This is simply about healthy balance between self-care and interconnectedness, about the way I see and care for my own heart.   

As I pondered the concept of being my own best friend, and how to live it out, I decided to start small. For example, I love having fresh bouquets of flowers in my kitchen. One of my earliest jobs as a young adult was delivering flowers and I’ve loved the look and smell of live arrangements ever since. Instead of waiting for someone to bring me flowers, I started buying them for myself. Every other week or so, when I went grocery shopping, I would pick up a bouquet. It might seem trivial (and may not be your cup of tea at all) but when I would both see and smell them it would remind me “your heart and the things you love matter.” Affirmation multiple times a day! I also started examining the obligations and standards—self-imposed—I was living under and got rid of a few. The dishes don’t have to be done before I go to bed, laundry doesn’t have to be folded right away (a quick recycle in the dryer gets the wrinkles out when I’m ready to fold), on and on. Instead, I gave myself permission to read, just rest and stare out the window, play games with my family, etc. 

But treating myself like my own best friend hasn’t been easy. If feels so much more natural to focus in on what still needs to be done, including the maturity and growth I still need in my life, and on the mistakes and messes I’ve made. I regularly have to remind myself that it’s just those old jerks perfection, performance and people-pleasing talking again. They feed off my fears and whatever measure of pride I drum up to protect myself.

When that cycle starts to kick up again, I typically say something to myself like, “Jacqueline Elizabeth (I always scold myself with my first and middle name; it feels more authoritative and mom-like) don’t you take that bait! It’s all lies. This won’t protect you from anything!” I take a few deep breaths and then say, “I don’t have it all figured out, but it’s okay. I’m worth love anyway. God says so.” Then I let myself feel His love, which always resettles my heart and brings me back to a place of peacefulness. God’s love is my center, the core of my life. If my objective in this life is to love like He loves, then I have to give myself the same grace, patience, and encouragement I give others through that love.

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Which brings me back to my first questions: have you ever experienced a moment of overcoming where you were genuinely pleased with yourself? Where you were proud of your accomplishment?

I’m in one of those moments myself, and being one of my own best friends means writing about it. It means giving myself permission to be honest and real about how I feel and celebrating in my own way. 

We’re coming up on the one-year anniversary of a rock bottom moment for me. I had been betrayed and deeply wounded by several people who were very close to me. Resolution and restoration looked impossible. I was crushed, defeated and in a dark place of hopelessness. Hopelessness really sucks the life out of you. Couple that with overwhelming attachment pain and I can tell you that I had some very, very dark days.

“These things I have spoken to you so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world” John 16:33

John 16:33

“…Weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning.” 

Psalms 30:5

Thankfully, I’ve been through enough of life’s storms to know, eventually the rainclouds clear and the sun returns. Even when things don’t work out the way you desire or hope for, God’s goodness and love are present and will continue to break through. In the process of looking and waiting for His goodness, and resting in the faith that it would come, I did some hard things.

Like choosing forgiveness and cleaning up messes in my life other people made.

Like choosing love when others walked away.

Like fighting for my voice when so much around me was trying to belittle, crush, and steal it.

Like figuring out new boundaries and how to use them to bring freedom and peace in my life.

Like believing God’s value for me was true when life kept telling me I was disposable.

Like using that belief to fuel my courage: to look and expect new opportunities and open doors.

Like fighting for myself, my family, new hope and a new future.

There were moments last year I honestly thought hopelessness and despair were going to swallow me alive. Sometimes the hardest moments in life are simply resisting the death blows. I keep learning that Grace is there when you need it. I resisted and I’m proud of myself. 

To say that my life now compared to a year ago is night and day different is entirely true: literally and figuratively. Things don’t really look at all like I thought they would, but that’s one of the benefits of having faith in God’s goodness—He surprises you! My heart is still healing, and there are still plenty of unknowns surrounding circumstances and relationships. But I’m starting a new job and embarking on a new adventure that I’m over the moon excited about. My heart overflows with gratitude and joy as I step into the areas of new hope and a new future available to me. I have a lot of work ahead of me, but if you know me you know I’ve never been afraid of a little sweat and elbow grease. I will just keep practicing being my own best friend: giving myself permission to struggle, be imperfect, not make everyone happy, and do my best with contentment and joy because I’m loved no matter what.

In all of my writing, I genuinely hope others find insight, encouragement, and support to navigate their own journeys through life’s highs and lows, but that’s not the reason why I write. I write because I love to, because it helps me think and process, and because it feels risky to put my voice out there … which is exactly the sort of thing a best friend would encourage me to do. I write because it’s one of the ways I practice self-love. 

And I also hope that the whole time you’ve been reading my story, you’ve been thinking about yourself. 

Honestly! 

I hope the whole time you’ve been thinking, “What would it look like if I was my own best friend? How would I treat myself? What would I do for myself? What changes would I need to make in my life to take care of myself like that?” It might feel weird at first, but if you need to start small like I did that’s okay; it’s still a start. The effort is worth it, the change is worth it, and friend, you are worth it!