Boundaries: Hold the Line

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Boundaries, by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

I know, I know. This book has been around for a while. In fact, published in 1992, this book is nearly 30 years old. It might seem strange to write a book review/essay for a book this old. I acknowledge this doesn’t really fit with the expected form of a book review. I do, however, hope my following explanation will make sense of my purpose. You see, I have owned a copy of this book (the original blue, hardcover) for more than 20 years. In those 20 years it has simply sat on my bookshelf, collecting dust. I just read it this year. Technically then, it’s new to me.

While it’s been sitting on my shelf all these years, I have had the opportunity to hear and read several wonderful teachings about boundaries: what they are and how to apply them. As a result, I thought I understood the concept. I was wrong.

Due to certain circumstances in my life, and the gentle nudging of my therapist, it became gnawingly clear I needed to do some soul-searching and research regarding healthy boundaries. This book was not my first choice. But in reading other texts, I just wasn’t getting the insight I needed. I have no idea how or why it took me so long to choose this book—I knew it was one of the original, (I’m affectionately referring to it as the “O.G. boundary book”) revelatory texts on boundaries. Now that I finally jumped into it, I understand what all the craze was about when it came out and why it’s usefulness and popularity have lasted all these years.

The text is foundational.

The text is practical.

If accepted and put into practice, the content of the text is life-altering.

In my own reading, extrapolation, interpretation and application of the content, I’ve run the gamut of emotions. There are moments and sections where I read and thought, “okay, I’m not terrible at this type of boundary.” But sadly, those instances of self-assurance have been rare. Predominately, I have discovered the application of healthy boundaries in my life is at best, messy and inconsistent and at worst, non-existent. I have been able to identify a couple core problems in my inner-structuring that are at the root of my blurry boundaries. I hope in sharing one of these examples, I can spur you towards your own re-examination and/or shoring up of the healthy boundaries worth protecting in your own life. 

Bad Habit: I only hold the line if there’s emotion involved, not based on principle.

I look forward to explaining this because the way the lightbulb came on for me was so unexpected. Also, my husband was instrumental in the process and he doesn’t get enough credit for how supportive he is in my external processing and critical thinking. He mostly listens while I talk, which many know is extremely helpful. But he will often jump in with his own opinion or idea that sets me on a whole new and highly useful thinking path. I’m deeply grateful for the time and energy he gives me for conversation, it’s a gift.

One morning as James and I sipped our coffee, I explained how perplexed I was that I had allowed so many boundaries in my life to become hazy or invisible. I didn’t understand how I let it get this bad. I was searching for a common theme or idea, some habit or pattern that had become default in my behavior that would enable such messy lines. As some point in my monologue, James asked, “is this like the tomato thing that happened again yesterday?”

That was all it took—💡!

I don’t eat tomatoes. Not because I’m allergic, but simply because I don’t like them. In all fairness, I will intermittently give them a chance, but I consistently land in the same place—I don’t want to eat them. This means that for more than 21 years of marriage my husband has heard me request “no tomatoes” for every salad, sandwich, burger, etc. that I order. Unfortunately, despite the fact that I never fail to order my food this way, I only receive it without tomatoes about 50% of the time. When my request is forgotten or unheeded, I have the same response every single time: I just pick them off and enjoy my food. I have never sent my food back because of tomatoes. In my mind, it’s a minor inconvenience. I’m not allergic, so it’s no big deal and I easily handle it myself. No matter how small they are or how long it takes me to pick them off. (The day before our coffee and conversation, I received a salad with teeny diced tomatoes that took nearly 10 minutes to extricate from my salad.) My boundary is that I don’t eat tomatoes, and I willingly ensure I don’t have to.

The problem is, as my husband so graciously reminded me, I’m actually paying someone else to hold that line. I voice my preference and pay for my food to come how I ask for it. Why am I willing to pay someone (or a group of people) to accomplish this task for me and then compliantly do it for myself when they fail? (Side note: I would never advocate rude or disrespectful behavior towards service industry workers. These people work stressful, exhausting jobs for minimal wages. They deserve fair treatment. I strive to be a kind and generous patron.)

The example is trivial, yes, but it opened my eyes to see a much larger pattern in my life. How often do I compromise my boundary when it’s really not that big of a deal? How often do I think or say, “I’ll just take care of it.”? The answer is, far too often. The reason is simple, I’m not emotionally affected. It doesn’t offend or irritate me so I dismiss the inconvenience and handle it myself.

This nasty little habit shows up everywhere. I pick up the slack for others here and there; I take on responsibilities that aren’t really mine to ‘help out;’ I give someone a pass when they bail on their commitment to me; etc. ALL.THE.TIME. I fill my life with “it’s no big deal” and “yea, sure” because it’s genuinely how I feel. Until, eventually, all the yesses and excuses bury me under too much work, not enough help or follow-through and a whole lot of irritation because the priorities of my heart have fallen by the wayside … again. 

I don’t know how I came to the internal conclusion that emotions dictate how and when boundaries should be kept. When I get to a place of negative emotion, I often kick into gear and restructure my time so that I can invest in my priorities, but it’s like I have to get to a place of resentment or irritation to give myself permission to guard my time. When faced with a decision I don’t think, “how will this affect my ability to take care of my priorities?”; instead, I think “will it bother me to pick this up?” Because the answer to my question is typically “no, not at all” I go ahead and say yes. 

This cycle of compromise and compliance then eventual frustration, irritation, and overwhelm is ENTIRELY my fault. I say ‘yes’ when I need to say ‘no,’ and I say ‘it’s okay’ when it isn’t, because in the moment I feel like it’s fine or no big deal. But those “no big deals” add up quickly when I’m not paying attention. I cannot have a reactionary internal system where I only defend my line if I have a negative emotional response. Here is the solution I’ve come up with for myself:

New Habit: I will hold the boundary lines in my life based on the principle of the line and not my emotional comfort with compromise.

Does this mean I will send back every dish that mistakenly contains tomatoes?

Doubtful.

I will, however, be mindful of the circumstances and my time. The next time I get a salad where those little suckers are diced and scattered like grains of rice across it, I will send it back and save myself the time. In addition, I will exercise the same thoughtfulness in decision-making across all areas of my life. No longer will I move into a yes simply because I’m comfortable with it. I will take the time to consider how each “yes” I’m asked for affects my life, my priorities and my responsibilities. 

Preventative maintenance. 

I don’t want resentment or irritation to fuel my action. 

I will likely include more about healthy boundaries in the weeks to come, because it is a core part of my personal growth and healing journey right now. Changing behavioral habits takes focus and investment, which means it’s on my mind a lot and will likely seep into all parts of my thinking. But I believe it’s good to be reminded of things that we may already know, because it’s so easy to forget or dismiss healthy habits for convenience. Exercising healthy disciplines is a hard skill to consistently practice in a world focused on the opposite. I encourage you to take a minute and take stock. Are you honoring your priorities and responsibilities through healthy boundaries with the world (and people) around you? Do you know where you end and others begin? Do you feel like people owe you or that you’re underappreciated? Are you peaceful and joyful about how your life is being spent? 

This is your life and the only one you’re gonna get—take good care of it!